where are you now? (do you ever think of me?)
by eeenjolras
Summary: For a few months, Charles just spends time shut away and lost in his own thoughts.


where are you now? (do you ever think of me?)

* * *

For a few months, after Charles returns from Cuba, with a gaping hole in his heart and a no feeling in his lower half, he just sits in his bedroom staring at the satellite dish in the distance.

For a telepath with vibrant minds always brushing against his, Charles has never felt more isolated and alone. He's empty. Cold. The moment one of the most beautiful, most unique minds was so violently shorn for him, Charles couldn't bring it upon himself to reach out anymore. No more party tricks, no more unheard conversations. Charles, for the first time, shuts everything out.

And he likes it that way despite the cold feelings constantly creeping through him.

The others, Sean, Alex, and Moira, slowly trickle out of his life. They are driven away but Charles' silence and exile. Only Hank remains, spending his days trying to get the mute Charles to eat, shower, just take care of himself.

_("I can't stay here," Alex yells, his voice ricocheting through the house. "It's suffocating. I can't even think. The professor hasn't just shut himself out, he's bringing us all down with him."_

"_We can't just abandon him," Sean protests. "He just lost his sister – and Erik."_

"_I don't care. I need to be somewhere where I don't have a constant headache," Alex snaps and the door slams._

_The echo is swallowed by the silence.)_

Alex is the first to go, then Moira stops visiting, and finally Sean.

(_"I can't stay," Sean says, at the door of Charles' room._

_Charles doesn't acknowledge him._

"_You've done so much for me and I'm grateful," Sean murmurs swallowing. "But Erik's gone, Charles. Erik was my _friend_ and now he's gone. I don't think I can stay here with his ghost in the house."_

_The ghost of Erik is suffocating. His print on the children, the protectiveness he felt for them left them all vulnerable to the world. Sean's just a teenager and nowhere able to comprehend the loss of such a figure in his life._

"_I'm sorry, Charles. I wish I could help, but I don't know what to do. I thinks it's best if I just return to my parents."_

Charles doesn't blame anyone for their departures.. If he were them, he would leave too.

So Charles just stares at the satellite dish, lost in thought.

* * *

Charles knows he should hate Erik for what he's done and what he's become. All the belief and hope Charles had once had for him, still has, has gone to waste. Erik _paralyzed_ him and left him on an empty beach in the middle of nowhere. Erik tried to kill hundreds of innocent men. By all justifiable accounts, Charles should hate Erik.

But Erik had the single most breathtaking mind Charles had ever had the pleasure of feeling. So full of emotion and colour. It was a masterpiece. From the moment they first met, out in the cold waters, Charles had been lost in swirl of Erik's thoughts. He couldn't help but fall into it. Erik's stories and vivid feelings had parted for Charles, like the Red Sea, and yanked him under like those who had tried to follow Moses.

To explore it and find Erik's deepest, most personal memory was the greatest privilege Charles ever had.

He and Erik had been completely intertwined after that. Their minds connected, tangled with each other in such a way that Charles once had difficultly telling his own emotions from Erik's. Their minds clashed at times but mostly mixed together in the most perfect of ways.

Charles remembers feeling how fiercely Erik had loved him because Erik never did anything halfway. To a point where it had scared Charles, but had no hope of hiding it in the jumble of their mass of thoughts. He remembers Erik, in an uncharacteristic moment of softness in contrast to sharp eyes and words, taking his hands and assuring him that love was nothing to fear.

What strange words to come from a man who in a few days would declare war on the entire human race.

The pain of feeling Shaw's mind die was nothing in comparison to when Erik had slipped on the helmet. The sudden loss and void had sucked Charles dry. He felt, still feels, frozen and utterly helpless because of the loss. To so deeply lose yourself into another person and have them jerked violently away in less than a second is like having a part of yourself die.

Charles had panicked, verbally screaming because his mental pleas hadn't worked. Erik needed to know what was happening. Charles banged desperately on the crashed plane's window in an botched attempt to get Erik's attention as well as distract himself from the pain coming down like tsunami.

The complex tangle of emotions and memories that had been shared were cut with a blunt and rusty knife, leaving Charles with fragments of both his own memories and Erik's. Charles briefly wonders if Erik's missing spots like he is. If their separation has left Erik as damaged.

It was like his heart stopped beating. The fierce love Erik had once shared was gone, leaving Charles more afraid without it than he had been with it.

Charles can't hate a man he loves so dearly and had been so irreparably tangled with. Charles cannot even bear the thought of hating Erik, even though he wishes to hate Erik because that way it be easier to heal.

* * *

All the time wasted on pouring hope and confidence into a wrecked man had only created a monster. Charles created Erik. Teaching Erik to find the point between rage and serenity had excelled Erik's ability to gain his revenge.

Charles had long since known the truth of Erik's plans with Shaw, but denied them. Naively, Charles thought he could change Erik's path. He thought by believing in Erik, Charles could bring him peace.

(_"Peace was never an option.")_

Charles only has his self to blame for Erik.

* * *

Erik never knew to take care of himself. He was brutal and relentless, driving his body to the edge to reach his goal. For a brief while, Charles had managed to get Erik to care somewhat for himself. To rest and relax. However, Erik still pushed himself to ridiculous limits. Erik would've done anything to reach his goal.

(_"Come on, Charles! Shoot me. I can stop it.")_

Charles hopes that he's taking care of himself – wherever he is. He hopes that Erik stops to eat and sleep and realizes that his body has limits. Erik's abilities, however awesome, are tied to Erik's state of mind. The less Erik takes care of himself, the more his abilities suffer. Frustration used to fester and Erik would punish himself for his inability. Erik would continue to fail as he deteriorated, thus trapping himself in a vicious cycle.

Charles hopes Raven forces him to eat. She may not have been a fan of Erik from the beginning, but Charles could clear as day see that she cared for Erik in the end.

Mostly, Charles just hopes that they are safe and together.

* * *

Does he ever think of Charles? Does Erik ever lie in bed in the middle of the night and just think of Charles? The memories they shared, the space they had created together, or the children they had trained?

Does Erik feel the same or his was his love for Charles cut away the moment he slipped the helmet onto his head?

Or has Erik completely forgotten Charles and in their bitter separation, where Charles' lost his own memories, Erik lost all the love he once had?

Does Erik ever think about his own shredded heart and the hole where Charles once fit so perfectly?

Does Erik ever think about Charles? Does he ever think of the effect he had on Charles? The one he still has? Does Erik ever regret his actions? Does he think that Charles walked away from the beach and is okay?

That thought. Erik might think that Charles is okay. Bitterly, Charles accepts that if Erik believes that, he won't ever think of Charles the way Charles thinks of him.


End file.
